Dear hipsters and your cutesy little obsession with moustaches: fuck you.
Moustaches are not cool. They are not funny. Your upper lip does not need to resemble a porcupine. I know you don't have a girlfriend, and your sad attempt at growing a moustache to be quirky is why. It is either a scratchy mass of coffee-dipped bristles, or the more comfortable but less impressive downy fuzz of an eleven-year-old girl's fresh, first leg hair. No one wants to kiss either.
(Yes, I am just mad that I cannot grow a beautiful moustache of my own. Shut up.)
Even worse than actual, physical moustaches are the thousands of kitschy, overpriced, mass-produced products featuring said facial monstrosities that you buy in order to feel eccentric. You're not. If you own or have thought of buying or have even looked out of the corner of your eye at the mug pictured above, or something like it, you're an unoriginal bastard.
I must clarify that there are cases in which moustaches are perfectly acceptable, or even fine things to treasure and have pride in. If you compete in moustache contests, you are allowed to have a moustache. If you own multiple tuxedos, you are allowed to have a moustache. If you are Yanni or Hitler, you are allowed to have a moustache. If your idea of a moustache cup is, instead of the piece of shit above, something like this:
...you are a classy bastard, and you are allowed to have a moustache.
Thoughts on facial hair, anyone?